Last night we found out what we feared to be true. An animal that is not ours has been sneaking into our laundry room through the pet door and eating the cats' dry food. We first thought it was the neighbor's cat Frankles, who is a pretty charming cat, so handsome, friendly and would absolutely never, ever pee in a toaster. I couldn’t even get that mad about old Frankles skimming off our stash, but then we started finding the dry food bin tipped over and sometimes open. Our cats have been spoiled by wet food lately, so breaking into the dry food would be so passé for them. "Dry food. Really?" They’d say. "Sprinkle on some brewer's yeast and maybe we'll talk."
I started to worry that a raccoon or an opossum was coming in. Nah! I've got dogs. The dogs would let me know if a wild critter got into the house. Wrong, wrong, so very wrong. I forget I have Boston Terriers, the most un-terrier-like of all the terriers. They are so unlike their fellow Rat, Jack Russell, West Highland and Bull terriers, that the American Kennel Association puts Bostons not in the Terrier Group for classification purposes, but in vast catch-all group of Non-Sporting. As in, don’t get these dogs if you want a sporty pup. They’re bred as companion dogs, sleep on the couch dogs, burrow into the foot of your bed dogs. They get winded on long runs, they fetch a ball back to you up to ten times before collapsing in a fit of snorts in the grass. They’re the best dogs ever, but they will not solve your vermin problem. I should know this. The only things my dogs catch are fleas and foul cases of flatulence.
So last night while we were watching TV, some vermin came in and ate all of the cat food in the bowls, drank all of the cats’ water, then drunk on their spoils, tipped the dry cat food bin and made a hasty retreat. After assessing the scene, I went out back to see if Frankles the neighbor cat was anywhere in sight. I didn’t see him but I heard something scampering up our neighbor’s tree. Then Leon spotted a huge raccoon in that tree looking back at us with glowing green eyes. It was horrifying! Grab the airsoft gun! Get a flashlight! I was ready for battle, but we had no arms and no batteries. So I had to just sit and stare it down until it left. We secured the pet door and I washed the cats’ bowls in soap and hot water. The worst part is that some of the wash water splashed into my eyes, so now I’m probably dying of rabies. Thanks raccoon. If I catch that beast in my house it’s getting Wustoffed.
