In an alternate universe, part 1.

In alternate universe, I am a respected food critic. In reality, I am a picky vegetarian whose occasional weaknesses bring me to snack on savory, olive oil-dressed tuna salad or crispy bacon, and can't give a fair review of any restaurant except maybe the Sunflower Drive-In in Fair Oaks, where there isn't any meat on the menu.

Cluck, cluck.